I won a gift bag from the college of letters & science and I really wanna go pick it up.
but i can’t till tomorrow. i’m excited.
childbirth is literally an emergency
We don’t touch. Well, not directly. Prophylactically, yes.
"Okay, listen to me. I don’t care, right. I don’t. We’ve all been through some crazy, crazy stuff. I don’t care what he’s talking about. And he can talk until he’s blue in the face about God, Gods, miracles, life, death, whatever he… I don’t care. I don’t care what you think you saw. I watched your Viper explode. Don’t care. I’m here. You’re here."
I found her in Chicago. She was a stray, and she set up shop in my trailer. She was mean. I mean really mean. So this is Fiona G. Kitty. The ghetto kitty. I took her to a vet and they said she was probably dying of breast cancer. [Stroking cat, in a loving voice] Cancer Kitty. I hate cats. But this cancer cat made me feel bad, so I was like, Okay, I’ll take her back to L. A. and give her her last six months of pain-free life.
So I took her to the vet in L. A. and he was like, This is a beautiful cat. And I said, Yeah, but too bad about the cancer. And he said, What cancer? And I’m like, You know, the lump on her stomach. And he’s like, You mean the hernia? I can take that out when I neuter her. She’s gonna live twenty-five years! And I was like, You fucking cat with your lying cancer sob story.
It’s December already? How about some baby reindeer?